Gone was her dignity and independence. Overnight. We had three months of wondering what was next. Will she heal? Will we get a diagnosis. Is it infectious? Genetic? Will it happen to us or our children? We mourned her loss for months before she passed.
Postmortem pathology wasn’t an option because the medical professionals weren’t equipped to handle it if it was infectious. They would send her off, thus prolonging the funeral services. And putting off all the next steps. I dare not say closure. I don’t think we’ll really get closure. There are far too many unanswered questions.
I’m usually a happy girl. My mind is typically very focused. Moving from one thought to the next with intention. Whether it’s praying or painting, planning or playing. I discipline my thoughts. Until now. I get distracted…lost. Those little journeys of worry end suddenly when reality demands presence. Grief is weird.
We’ve been grieving for four months. She was gone long before her passing because she got sick and changed so quickly. It is a great mercy that God didn’t prolong it. For that, I’m thankful.
Now it’s time to take off the sackcloth and wash off the ashes. But I keep dreaming of her. Thoughts of her are never far. Is this the new normal? Will I weep with abandon every time I’m alone? Will tears spring up every time I see something that reminds me of her? When will I stop listening to the voicemails?
I love you, and so does Jesus. He does it better. -KT